Fear of Intimacy, III

Have you built a protective wall around your heart? Do you fear abandonment so much, or experience such fear of intimacy, that you simply can't (or won't) let love in?

I was thinking this morning about the last article and the expanding my threshold for intimacy exercise and it suddenly hit me. There was a time in  my life when I was too afraid of losing something (or more importantly, someone), to ever risk letting myself become even more attached. Oh my gosh! No way! I'm wearing a big smile on my face, just thinking about it.

It all seems ridiculous to me now, but I know that it's a very real (and confining) fear. What I want for all of us is to feel free to love, to feel free of fear and to live our lives to the absolute fullest; to live to our highest potential, to experience joy, peace and contentment. EVERY day. It is possible. I'm living proof.

I still have some bad times. Personal growth is an ongoing process. What I've found though, is that the more I open myself up to love and say "no" to fear, the easier it becomes to do. At first it was really frightening and it took a long time to move past a bad day, or to move past hurt to peace. These days, it all flows in and out so much easier. I'm feeling less blocked to love, so any fear or hurt I experience flows in and just flows back out - like the tides of the ocean.

Do You Have Fear of Intimacy in Relationships?

Wow! There is soooo much I can write on this. I consider myself an expert in this field – fear of intimacy, that is. Well...I WAS an expert, as in past-tense; these days I'm becoming more of an expert on ways to overcome fear of intimacy. This has been a huge fear in my life, that I'm happy to report I've experienced almost complete healing around. Today I want to share an exercise (or two) I've used that have been of great help to me, and that I hope will help with your healing of this as well.

For me, fear of intimacy was based in fear of abandonment and fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment has been deeply ingrained in me since the loss of my Mom some twenty-three years ago and it's been affecting my life in huge (and not good) ways since then.

I don't want you to worry so much about the "why" of your fear of intimacy. For me, it's been much more helpful to concentrate on ways to heal it. The past is the past, and although it deeply affects us in everyday life, and it is helpful to understand, they "whys" are better discovered in therapy. For me, as a Life Coach supporting women's empowerment and positive self image, it's more about working with and healing the NOW.

My particular fear of intimacy and abandonment manifested itself as attracting unavailable men. These guys weren't married or otherwise unavailable, they were emotionally unavailable (in many ways worse, because I actually thought I might have a shot at a life with them). I attracted emotionally unavailable men, and the saddest thing is, even if I would have had a shot with them, it would never have worked, because I was terrified to let them know that I cared about them. They would say how they were never getting married, never getting involved, etc., etc. and I would just shrink up into myself and build those walls (around my heart) a little higher. Sound familiar?